Letting Go
From the moment I first held my child in my arms, I knew the day of letting go would come. I dreaded the inevitable, secretly crying after birthday parties, the end of each school year….. All the while, my life was amazing. Real, but incredible, except a heartbreaking event was approaching at warp speed…. an empty nest. I would have sold my soul to stop it.
Resentment festered in my heart thinking I would someday live in a house with no children’s laughter, no helpless innocent that needed my expertise in motherhood to sustain them. I did my share of complaining about unending laundry and dishes, but I knew I would do loads a day for the rest of my life if time would just stand still. My closet misery was disguised by a busy life full of wonderful people and intriguing adventures, but I wouldn’t look at photos of places we had been and things done because they were gone, over, never to return. The fact that my desire selfishly robbed those I love of the very natural act of growing up weighed heavily. My oldest shared with me her favorite Dr. Seuss quote, “Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because it happened.” I didn’t appreciate her enthusiasm for a future without me in it, but I did indeed smile on the outside and waited for privacy to cry some more.
Logically I knew the manner of my release would have a tremendous influence on the emotional development of my children and so I prayed. One of God’s greatest acts of grace is allowing us to fight until we are exhausted and then reach out to comfort when all other options are gone and hope has faded. His touch is peace and the greatest strength I’ve ever known. I began to realize, I wasn’t raising little girls of today, but rearing women of the future and they were going to need fortitude, strength, skills, encouragement and love if they were going to survive and thrive. The beauty of time entered the secret places of my heart. I became an active part in blazing a trail to the future and a large part of that was appropriately ‘letting go.’
Two of the most amazing young women on earth call me mom. The days of peddling bikes down dirt roads and running barefoot to the fishing hole are now precious memories because I see them as the foundation of greatness rather than time gone forever.
I’ve just spent hours in my kitchen next to my daughter (Thing One) making beautiful food for a neighbor in need and luxuriating in the closeness of the small town that molded her. Tonight there will be a blond headed, green eyed angel (Thing Two) home from school, sleeping in the next room. I will hear her stir as she turns in her slumber, and be reminded, the gift of life covered in Grace and cushioned by unfathomable love, is better than I could have ever imagined because ‘letting go’ is actually a great act of love I wouldn’t have missed for the world.
When I let go, God showed up. He bumped me from the center of the universe, put things into perspective and a blessed life happened.
Love,
Gretchen