Somewhere in my young adult years I fell into ‘crisis orientation.’ I had to have a battle to wage against something or someone to get out of bed each day and be productive. My usual foe was satan so all my endeavors were not vain and I got a lot done. However, I kept myself in constant survivor mode, perpetual self-induced anxiety and panic.
Everyone is born with survival instincts. The human body has hormones and reflexes that respond, no matter what, when a threat approaches. Practiced habits take their place in this drama too, but a constant state of terror is not healthy or normal. I feared that if I quit worrying and ceased micro-managing the world as far as I could reach, my life would unravel and I would lose everything. My perpetual hyper-awareness of evil and injustice held the universe together, so I thought. Fear became stress, stress evolved into anger and anger provided the energy to ‘go get em’! Imagine what a joy I was to live with.
One evening I was running around my house frantically telling my two young daughters to hurry and get out the door. I was grabbing fashionably coordinated coats, gloves and scarves when I became angry over a glass that didn’t make it into the dishwasher and a carefully styled coiffeur destroyed by ear muffs put on without my assistance. Suddenly my beautiful, precious, ‘I can’t believe God chose me to be her mother,’ twelve year old stopped and began crying. Through her tears she sobbed, “MOM I just want you to be happy! I’ll do anything to make you happy but you’re always mad and I can’t make you stop!”
The air left my lungs. I became very small. She was right. No power on earth could make me happy because I was controlling my world with anger and panic! My sin was destroying the relationships God had created.
I changed. I took proactive charge of learning better behavior. I was not being a wise parent, but even in the midst of the mistakes I was making, I was a praying mother. I knew then as I know now that I must daily take my children to the Throne of God. He knew my heart and loved me and mine as I put aside my immaturity and grew in wisdom.
My deepest lessons in love have been learned watching my Heavenly Father love my amazing, blue eyed beauties. He loves you and yours too. God is always good. His mercy, love and grace endure forever.
Love,
Gretchen
Our vulnerabilities can define us or help the healing when we’re graced with a relationship with God . Your sharing hit home . Love you always!
Love you too.