Sunday Stories, August 11, 2019

In early adolescence my dad was diagnosed with depression. As he began coping with things long misunderstood, he modeled a beautiful faith in a loving God, and talked openly to those he influenced most strongly, his wife and children. Here are moments from his journey. And dad…….we love you most!

I LOVE YOU…….MORE 

    Early one morning a few years ago, I had a moment of serendipity while walking across the parking lot of a shopping mall.  Just ahead of me was a young father and his son who was probably about five or six years old.  It was a bright Saturday morning and they were strolling along in a most carefree manner, impervious to my presence.  As they walked, the little boy looked up at his dad and said, “I love you Dad.”  An answer, accompanied with a big smile,  came immediately, “I love you more!”  This drew a challenging air and expression from the little guy, “No!  I love you more.”  This brief exchange continued for a couple more rounds until the little boy grabbed his dad’s hand and began to skip in a manner that expressed he was totally contented, confident and carefree.  Soon we entered the store and they out of my presence, but not out of my memory.  That little fellow is a young man by now, maybe with a child of his own.  I just have the feeling that he has grown up to be a well-adjusted gentleman and family man.

     Only the most cynical of observers would consider that brief colloquy as confrontational and argumentative.  In fact, I hear words often expressed, “I love you….more.” Evidently it is one of those expressions that attempt to express a swelling feeling in the chest and the thrill of emotion that one has for a beloved.  Countless poets have attempted to find the perfect way to say it.  The Elizabeth Barrett Browning literary gem comes to mind:

                        How do I love thee, let me count the ways,

                                    I love thee to the depth and breadth and height

                        My soul can reach when feeling out of sight

                                    For the ends of Being and ideal Grace.

and the concluding lines-

                        I love thee with the breath, smiles, tears

                                    of all my life! and if God choose,

                        I shall love thee better after death.

     I have had the good fortune of sharing my life with a girl these fifty-eight years who has shown me that kind of love.  And hopefully, I have been able to reciprocate in like measure.  I am glad that I heard someone much wiser that I instruct young newly-weds.   “Marriage isn’t a 50/50 proposition, you have to give 100%.”   I’m sure glad I learned that because if it were a 50/50 deal, I would always be behind in the score.  Every time I try to even things up, Sandy does something to run the score up and I’m always behind.  Thank God! She has been content with my lowly 100%.  That probably means her love for me (not that I deserve it) is 110%.  I’ve heard her say, “I love you more” and show it in countless ways.

     This has caused me some deep and probing reflection.  How do you love someone more?  How is love multiplied….compounded….what’s the formula?  At the risk of sounding like I know something no one else knows, and to salve my conscience  and sense of honesty, I have a confession to make and an epiphany I believe was taught to me by the Spirit of Love.

     First, my confession.  Long before modern pharmaceuticals were developed to treat such disorders, I suffered severe bouts of depression especially through my early years in marriage and ministry.  The problem definitely had social dimensions.  Strangely enough, I could go in public and perform, preach and conduct business as usual (or so I thought).  But in private, especially around those closest to me, I would be quiet, non-communicative leaving the impression that I was angry and something was wrong with others.  I’m sure I was a real sweetheart and a joy to be around.  The darkness enveloping my emotional self created a shell that was almost impossible to break.  Looking back, I can only credit the grace of God working on by behalf to prevent disastrous consequences. When my “silence symptom” was at its very worst I could not force words “I love you” through my teeth to my precious wife.  The emotional strength was just not there.  Oh my!  The old song from Hew Haw was my undeclared theme ….”Gloom, despair, and agony on me, deep dark depression, excessive misery.”  A good family doctor’s observation and prescription for Prozac was a God-send, but I needed more.

     Before I share my epiphany, you need to know something about my wife.  She has a few scruples regarding her domestic chores that she refuses to change.  She thinks the dishes should be washed after every meal.   She does not leave the bed unmade when she starts her day, regardless of her hurry or agenda.  She does the wash (one chore she doesn’t trust me with) because she has a certain way she likes everything separated and folded.  My socks and underwear are folded like they came out of the package. The old and the odd ones go to the bottom or back, the best on top and arranged in stacks by color.  Hankies and other items have their place so that I can find exactly what I need in the dark.  She hangs clothes on hangers even when I leave them lying around.  She takes initiative in preparation at meal time and likes her surroundings to be neatly arranged and in the proper place.  While I try to share in these chores, the truth is, I haven’t come close to doing my share in the domestic department but she has NEVER complained.

     Here is my epiphany.  I believe it was a message straight from the heart of God via the Holy Spirit. At about year 15 in our marriage and in the throes of a severe bout, the Spirit reminded me that I was not verbally expressing my appreciation and gratitude to my most loyal benefactor.  I probably hadn’t said,  “I love you” for some time.  At the Spirit’s prompting, I was able to put my arms around her and sincerely say, “I appreciate all the little things you do for me….” and I began to name them.  As the words were formed and spoken the emotional cloud lifted and tears flowed.  The words of love now flowed easily. It is impossible to over-estimate the transformative effect this had in our day-to-day interaction.  While some of the episodes of depression occur to this day and I take my daily dose of anti-depressant,  the depths of depression have never returned at the previous levels. 

     So, a couple of things I have learned from living life in my lane.  First, when the Holy Spirit teaches a lesson, it’s a lesson learned.  Second, if you really want to love “more” take inventory of everything the one you love brings into your life and sincerely express appreciation and gratitude.  It’s amazing what a calm and closeness it brings into the relationship.  “How do I love thee, let me count the ways…..you care for me…..you cook for me…..you do a zillion little things that I can so easily take for granted but you never change or complain. Thank you!”

     I love you……more!