There is no authority like success. My parents have stayed married for 57 years, raised four children who all graduated college, two with graduate degrees, and all productive citizens. They still strive daily to bring peace and comfort to those they meet and Glory to God’s Kingdom. Dad wrote an essay and an absolute delightful poem on observations and thoughts about things that happen behind the front door. He is allowing me to share it today.
FAMILY DYNAMICS
I think I should begin with a disclaimer. I have no academic qualification or professional certification to authoritatively address this subject. As the late newscaster Paul Harvey would say preceding a news-note that might not be fully confirmed, “I can soon tell you more about this than I know.” Well….that’s where I am. You might want to stop reading now lest you become angry or contemptuous at my ignorance. Or worse yet, you might (heaven help us) take me too serious and be misled to either your temporary or permanent harm. I claim only one qualification. Yogi Berra, the legendary baseball player, master philosopher and twister of the Queen’s English, expressed it best. His astute key to learning was in the simple phrase, “You can observe a lot by watching.” I claim that as my only qualifying leg to stand on so if you kick my thoughts, you are safe because I won’t (can’t) kick back.
I have had a good ring-side seat to watching dads, moms, brothers, sisters, uncles, aunts, in-laws, out-laws, and cousins…. once, twice and three times removed (whatever that means). My place in the gallery has been from a “third child-second son” position in a traditional family of modest financial resources. Our home was Christian, evangelical if you will, and of a conservative slant that followed generations of tradition and mind-set. There were lots of kin and friends who were like family and shared similar life-styles and values. Honesty compels me, however, to admit that we have had our moments. Discretion (and fear) prevents me from specifics lest I incriminate myself or have some family members put knots on my head faster than I can rub them.
Added to my family experience, I have spent over 50 years in pastoral ministry watching a parade of the best and worst in familial relationships. Some families with little quantifiable resources and qualifications work smoothly and are a credit to the family tree. Others not so much. It has been sadly frustrating to see the disarray and dysfunction that is the lot in so many homes. The pain, the disappointment, the tears that some experience in the place where their greatest joy should arise is more than heart-breaking.
When I ponder all this (and I have many times) I have some observations that raise as many questions as provide answers. I am going to share them anyway.
OBSERVATION #1. The most inexperienced people imaginable come together to be the heads of families.* Guy meets girl, they “fall in love” (I think that is an apt description) and get married. With blindness that comes with infatuation, they bring two lives together that are as immature as they are unique. While finding commonality that suggests a good match, some things are over-looked that will sooner or/than later be exposed. Ecstasy morphs into reality and it becomes evident that everything we are as a person….physically…. mentally… emotionally, is brought into a marriage. The mundane of life has a way of exposing ones true self. Rare is the individual who is so charming but little nuances of speech, habit and preference do not seep through and become an irritant in the most comfortable of relationships. There should be a required primer for every prospective bride and groom to assimilate. And don’t get me started on the potential for disaster when families are formed without the foundation of genuine love, deep and documented commitment. Anything that can go wrong probably will…..and does. Add to these the fact that people do “fall out” of whatever, break-ups ensue and the potential for disastrous family dynamics is multiplied exponentially.
*God must believe the energy and enthusiasm of youth is more important in raising children than the stagnant experience of us ole folks. We have grandchildren……
OBSERVATION #2. Many (if not most) lasting impressions dictating relationships within families occur at a very early age just outside the perimeter of the cradle when mature responses are impossible. Little disputes and disagreements of the most trivial sort can easily become a pattern that is followed, and if not recognized and altered, carried into adult years. The result is what we call “sibling rivalry.” It does not have to be hostile to be unpleasant. The degree of communication and affection in future years may be determined by insignificant childish clashes and immature responses. On the other hand, seemingly insignificant gestures of love expressed in childhood can nurture unbreakable bonds of affection. Let me speak personally. I am a little brother, 4 ½ the younger. As boys, we played in the creeks, woods and fields surrounding our rural home. I know that I was too small to keep up and no doubt it was an irritation to my older brother. But being the big brother he was, he would pack me on his back more times than I can count. Guess what! As adults, I think he has still been carrying me on his back through example, prayer and support. That’s great family dynamics. Thanks Wendell.
OBSERVATION #3. There is no “one size fits all” formula creating and maintaining the ideal in family dynamics. The human experience is just too complex for simplistic solutions. When I review Biblical families, I am blown away with some of the stories. Consider Cain and Abel in the first family, the offspring of Jacob, David, son of Jesse and King of Israel. I am especially fascinated with John’s gospel story of Mary, Martha and Lazarus who were close friends of Jesus. While we don’t know much about St. Paul’s family, he at least left us with some profound and succinct directives. (See Ephesians 5 & 6 and Colossians 3:18-4:1)
OBSERVATION #4 We tend to see the good, bad and ugly in those closest to us. Too often we are more inclined to respond negatively and speak unkindly to those in our close circle that we would be to a stranger. Simple kindness, patience and respect should begin at home. Guess what?!? It might become a habit that extends to all of life.
I can’t restrain myself from giving some advice (it’s a “preacher thing”) so here goes…
1. Dad, love the lady who shares your intimate self and the mother of your children as Christ loves you. One of the best things you can do for your kiddos is love and respect their mom.
2. Mom, your role by its very nature is sacrificial from conception, through birth to being the pivotal factor in a stable home environment. I know that isn’t very PC in today’s social climate. However, it is just one of those things I have “observed a lot by watching.”
3. Parents, teach your children honor and respect by honoring God and making Christ Jesus the center of your home. Respect, discipline and obedience are learned at home. If not there, then probably it will be an arbitrary and unpleasant lesson forced by society later in life.
4. Give! Give! Give! That’s what God does. Do it too! And be nice! Jesus was.
A few years ago, the surviving children of the late Reverend and Mrs. Harold Lake, of Mountain Home, AR, gathered to witness the presentation of The Distinguished Service Award to “baby sister” Janice. What a fun family. It was my honor on behalf of the Church of the Nazarene and the local congregation to present the award. For the occasion, I wrote the following piece of doggerel. Hopefully it will lighten any heaviness from the above litany.
THREE PRAYERS
(In honor of every family’s dynamics)
(Apologies to St. John the Beloved Apostle)
MARTHA-
Lord of all pots and pans and dishes.
Please briefly listen to my wishes.
Don’t you care that I do all the work,
And Mary has learned her chores to shirk?
I’d love to be a saint, you know,
But it seems I’m always on the go.
If I could get some help ’round here,
To your feet, I’d soon draw near.
MARY –
Lord of love and tenderness,
Help me not to worry ’bout this mess.
May the moments I spend with you
Mold my heart and make me true.
And when the evening sun goes down,
When you and yours depart this town,
May Sis and I forgive each other
And turn some work over to our brother.
LAZARUS –
Lord of brothers and sisters….families all
I have a request that’s not too tall.
You who calmed the storm at sea,
Turn some of the storm into Mary’s energy.
And You, who turned the water into wine,
Pay no attention to Martha’s whine,
And since neither of them has a spouse
I need to sit….relax….eat….nap
And be the man of the house.
Sincerely…..sorta,
Bryan Jones
